Oh Boy
by PompusRompus
Summary: An incident on the Normandy leaves the some of Shepard's crew as children. Now he has to take care of the mini versions of his crew and it's not as easy as he thought it would be.
1. Chapter 1

Shepard wasn't quite sure how he ended up with a bunch of little children and a baby, but he wanted out and now. He left the Normandy for 10 minutes and came back to see his crew, both former and current, as children. Thank God it hadn't been the whole ship. Why they were in the ship wasn't a mystery. They had been talking about what they had wanted to do for Shepard's birthday as well as what to get him. Shepard had only went off for a little while and had come back to spy on them least he needed to drop hints on what the perfect gifts would be later. What he found was that all of them were either babies or children and EDI unresponsive.

He had thought about dumping them off on relatives, but of course he couldn't. Actually it was more like he couldn't considering he was ordered to take care of them so a cure could be found more easily. Besides all of them seemed more comfortable with him so it was his duty to care for them. Even if he wasn't being ordered, he still didn't have a choice. Jack, Tali, Wrex, and Grunt didn't have any parents, Miranda's father was dead and a horrible choice even if he wasn't and he didn't know about Oriana, and Chakwas's mother was too elderly to care for her. He had fixed up the crew quarters to make it more kid friendly with toys, the bunk beds replaced with regular beds with the covers being of popular children's shows, and of course shopping for clothes. It took forever, but he had managed to find everything he needed in order to satisfy the little runts.

"I'm home!" said Shepard announced himself to his little wards. Little Tali in her environmental suit greeted him by reaching up for him. Well that was what he thought she was doing. She was much more interested in what he was carrying the bags he had with him when he had placed them down to pick her up, she went straight for one of them.

"Cookies!" She squealed holding up the box of cookies he had bought and started doing a little dance in celebration.

"You're welcome," He said chuckling softly at Tali's dance moves. "Just make sure you save some for the others, okay?"

"Okay!" She took off running for the other room. While he was putting away the groceries, it suddenly came into his mind that the ship was quieter than usual. Usually he could hear giggling, shouting, footsteps, and talking from the kids, but for some reason it was really quiet. As a matter of fact, it was too quiet. They hadn't snuck off the ship had they? He had Rupert looking after the kids for a while so where was he to tell Shepard he was leaving?

He got this strange feeling in his gut to check up on the kids and Rupert. He snuck into the crew quarters and found a knocked out Rupert tied up to a chair with glitter in his hair, marker drawings on his face, arms, pants, and shirt, and a purple feather boa around his neck. The kids were nowhere to be found though. He wasn't sure what he wanted to do, laugh or be concerned for Rupert.

"I'd better check to see if he's still breathing," Shepard checked for a pulse and was relieved to find he was still alive. "I hope they didn't do any permanent damage...whatever the heck they did. I wonder how they knocked him out?"

 _ **MEANWHILE**_

"Daddy's gonna be mad at you, James," Ashley said poking James hard on his chest. Ashley was referring to the fact that it had been James' doing and decision to knock out Rupert. To make matters worse, Rupert sure as heck would get them for not stopping James. Now they were probably getting a spanking by both of them though Shepard was yet to spank any of them yet.

"Me? You're the one who put the glitter on his head, ugly!" James said poking Ashley. "And that was before I knocked him out!"

"He's still going to be more mad at you, you...you..."

"You what, big lips?!"

"You stupid monkey poop head!" yelled Ashley shoving James down hard despite the fact that he was much bigger than her.

"Get her, James!" encouraged Garrus as the two started fighting and pulling each other's hair. Liara covered up her eyes while Jack, Tali, Miranda, Grunt, Chakwas aka Karen, and Kaidan looked on with interest. The fight had been cut short when Shepard came into the AI Core and pulled them off each other. Actually he had to pull Ashley off of James and even then he had a hard time getting her off him. When he did finally manage to get get her off, James had scratches on him while Ashley didn't have a scratch on her. Her hair long black hair that was in a messy braid was undone though. Besides that, it was pretty clear James had his ass handed to him by Ashley.

"That's enough you two," He said still holding the girl back.

"JAMES HIT RUPERT OVER THE HEAD WITH A FRYING PAN!" Ashley yelled right away. "AND GARRUS WAS THE ONE WHO DREW ON HIM AND KAIDAN AND JACK HELPED HIM! AND I SAW LIARA WRITING THE 'A' WORD ON THE WALL WHEN JAMES TOLD HER TO EVEN THOUGH SHE DIDN'T HAVE TO!"

"Tattle tale!" said James.

"Snitch!" piped up Kaidan sticking his tongue out at her.

"N-no I didn't!" said Liara.

"And you put glitter on Rupert!" said Jack.

"No I didn't!" lied Ashley.

"That's enough all of you," said Shepard. "All of you are going to go in there and apologize to Rupert...after I take a picture."


	2. Chapter 2

**seabo76-** Rupert was the cook in ME2. He's located near Miranda's room I believe.

* * *

"We're sorry," The children apologized to Rupert except Kaidan.

"Get rekt, faggot," said Kaidan bravely.

"Ooooooooh!" said Ashely. "Kaidan said a bad word!"

"Shut up, barf face," said James.

"That's not what I told you to say," said Shepard.

"I'm sorry..." He then mumbled, "You old ugly bald lettuce head..."

A few of the kids snickered at his remark while Rupert glared at all of them. He just wanted to get away from all of those little brats before he smacked the shit out of them. He just went on his way to get as far away as possible from the little runts. Hopefully Shepard would be able to control the little creatures by himself. When Shepard saw him out, James gave Kaidan his candy.

"I told you I would do it!" smirked Kaidan. "Now you do the other thing."

"Fine..." He sighed. Just as Shepard came into the room, James ran up to him and punch him in the nuts. Once he recovered, he chased after him while the others went back to playing.

"I hope he spanks him," said Ashley as she started building a tower with Liara.

Once Shepard had found the boy, he gave him a spanked him and forced him to get into a corner and told him he would stay there for 20 whole minutes. He thought about doing the same to Kaidan, but he decided against it as what he said actually made him laugh while James punched him in the nuts. He sat himself up in a chair while reading for a few minutes until he felt Jack crawl into his lap, pushing the book aside. She shoved another book into his face.

"Read this."

"You made Rupert read that 10 times," complained Liara. "It's not that good."

"Your face isn't good." She turned back to Shepard. "Read it."

He took the book from her and began to read. Meanwhile Kaidan was coloring with Miranda and Kasumi. Miranda held up a picture of her horse. "I drew a horse!"

"It looks like a broom with legs." Kasumi pointed at the picture.

"It's ugly trash it."

"You're both stupid!" She pouted. She had worked hard on her pony and they were talking trash about it. How dare they! She looked over at Kasumi's drawing of a house and smirked at it. It was incredibly plain so she couldn't talk. Looking over at Kaidan's, she found he had drawn a realistic picture of a horse from the neck up. How did he draw so well? She ended up crumpling the letter out of anger as she watched Kaidan began on another picture.

"You're messing up your mop horsey."

"What? Oh no!" She uncrumpled the paper. "I was gonna ask daddy to put my picture on the fridge!"

"It was ugly anyways." said Kaidan as he began to write his name on the picture.

Miranda snatched the paper from him and ripped it up into a thousand pieces out of jealousy. There. Now her picture horse picture was the best one now! Ha! Kaidan shoved Miranda out of anger and then pulled her hair. How dare she rip up his picture! He had worked hard drawing that horse and now he had to start over!

"You're a fatty!" He yelled at her.

"And you're stupid!"

"Smart enough to draw a good looking horse unlike you!" He saw her paper on the floor, grabbed it, and ripped her picture up. "There! Now neither of us have horses!"

"Haha!" laughed Kasumi as she held up her picture. "I have mine!"

Miranda grabbed her's and was about to tear it up when Kaidan grabbed it from her. "Leave Kasumi alone, Miranda!"

Miranda grabbed it back and then it began a game of tug of war until her picture ripped in the middle. She then ripped her half of the picture and made the pieces rain on Kasumi. Both children then got into a fight with Kaidan helping Kasumi. Shepard quickly got up and struggled to separate the children as all of them were either scratching, biting, or kicking him.

"Settle down, you three!" He said as he managed to get Miranda away from the other two. "Now what the heck is going on here?!"

"Miranda ripped our pictures because she's mad she can't draw!" The two said in unison.

"Is that true Miranda?" Miranda just mumbled underneath her breath angrily. "Miranda, you can't just go around ripping up people's pictures just because you want to. It's not nice."

"But they said it looked like a broom and a mop!" she whined. "They deserved it!"

"No they didn't. Now apologize."

"NO!" She began to throw a tantrum as she threw herself on the floor, kicked her feet, and banged her feet on the floor. "I won't! I won't! They're both meanie faces and I hope they choke on brocolli!"

"Fine. You'll just have to sit in the corner."

"NO! NO! NO!" She cried. "I won't go! You can't make me! You're so mean! I hate you!"

Shepard just picked her up and put her in a corner. She still whined and cried in the corner and banged on the walls, complaining that it wasn't fair that she was getting punished. Kasumi and Kaidan yelled that it served her right which earned them both nasty looks from Miranda. It didn't do anything as she was the one in the corner while they were free to play and draw while she wasn't. While the commander went back to reading to Jack, Kasumi and Kaidan went back to drawing. Once they were done, Kasumi threw a crayon at Miranda's back while the latter was sitting down on the floor. When the girl turned around, both showed off their pictures of Miranda. Kaidan's was of her saying "I love eating crayons!" and it had a picture of her shoving crayons into her mouth. Kasumi's had a picture of Miranda standing next to a huge pile of poop and the girl was saying "I poop on the floor and I don't wipe my butt!" and Miranda was smiling proudly in the picture.

Her response was to throw the crayon and hit Liara in the back of the head. "Ouch! I'm telling!"

"No, don't!" she begged but it was too late. She already had Shepard over there.

"Miranda, what are you doing over here?"

"I-I-I..." She noticed the pair giggling at the prospect of her getting in trouble. She pointed an accusing finger at the pair. "I was aiming at those two! They threw a crayon at me and showed me mean pictures of me!"

"Oh really?" Kaidan and Kasumi stopped laughing. "Let me see those."

He took a look at the pictures. "You know what now, don't you?"

"We gotta get in a corner." Kaidan said looking down at his feet.

"Now say you're sorry."

"Sorry Miranda." Both apologized. They were then separated and put in different corners.

"That's what you all get!" instigated Ashley. "Next time you all should get beat with a belt!"

"Why don't you tell him about that bad word you wrote on the wall?" whispered Karen a little too loudly.

"What bad word?"

"Over there!" Garrus pointed at her bed.

"Snitch!"

"I know you ain't talkin'!" yelled James.

Shepard got down on one knee and looked at the wall around Ashely's bed and saw it in very tiny letters. "James is a ugly bitch."

"Huh?!" piped up James from the other side of the room.

"She called you a ugly bitch." repeated Grunt.

"You're getting in a corner and you're getting soap in your mouth." He said pointing from Ashley to Grunt.

"What for?"

"You repeated a bad word." said Shepard.

"Ugly bitch."

"Yeah that!"

"I was calling you that." With that Grunt ran out of the room with Shepard behind him.


End file.
